My Own Problems

Once in awhile I get blue, and I cry bittersweet tears for loves lost, missed opportunities, and just to be young and free, without any grown up responsibilities. But the new better improved, version of me knows that there isn’t a single thing I would have done differently. Everything I did, went through, every heart ache, every fight, every time I got knocked down I still would get back up and swing my arms, and scream, “Is that all The Fuck You Got?” I have literally been dragged through the mud, buried alive, and I like Beatrix Kiddo from “KIll BILL”, I punched my way out of the coffin and climbed through the Earth and gasped for air on a dark lonely night, and I still learned to live with myself. Sometimes when I would be so fucked up, I would look in the mirror and stare at the pretty blue-eyed, blonde haired girl, and say she looks so sad and lost, is that really me? It was. I cried myself to sleep every night and the more drugs I took the more difficult it became. Then things changed. It took a lot of encouragement and support from my family, I was in and out of the hospital, and I would fight with the nurses, and the physician would call me a spoiled brat, because I didn’t want to participate in group therapy, or I would whine and cry for my psychotropic medications, that were on lock down, for the time being. Suddenly after 4 horrific days of sweating and throwing up, and shaking and sleeping, and not having enough blankets to fight the cold, with my hair glued to my sweaty forehead, and teeth chattering, I emerged and I made friends. A boy whose parents kicked him out of their home when he was only 16, and he played the guitar and I would sing. Then there was cray cray kid, who had hep C, and was always in and out of institutions showing me how to use ink pens as eye liner, since we weren’t allowed make up products. I started listening to other people’s stories, and I was still sort of in denial about my opiate addiction, and I was giving the nurses a hard time because they wouldn’t give me my fucking adderol, and suddenly a fight between two alcoholics broke out. I stood in between these two grown men, who had at least ten to fifteen years older than I, and I said “Watch me do a cartwheel!” I did three perfect cartwheels right in a row and they all started laughing, and I felt good inside. There was people from all different walks of life, and I fell in love with everyone in my group. Then the aftermath, my family had me on lock down. My friends, dealers, and all connections were threatened, including someone I thought was the love of my life. I tried to sneak out but my Mother and sisters fought to have their daughter, sister, friend, and niece back, because when I was on drugs I wasn’t the real me. I was a horrible person, who stole from her own Mother, and to this day I wish I could change what I did, but I have made amends with my past. 

After the hospital, two admittance and one 20 day rehab, I was diagnosed with ADHD, OCD, Panic Disorder,Agoraphobia,  Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, and PTSD.  My main problem was that I had such bad anxiety I would basically be shaking like a leaf, and dying to have something, anything to numb the horrific, but unrealistic fear inside of me. Sometimes to this day, five years later, I still have to talk myself out of a panic attack when I start to notice that I am beginning to go down the path of negativity, I would reach for the best feeling thought that would pivot and steer me to the path of deep calm, relaxation. Reading and writing helps, and sometimes when I have time going to the gym does wonders for my nervousness, and I realized, that underneath everything I have been through the worst already. 

Despite my bad habits, and rituals, I maintained faith in God. Not an old man sitting on a throne counting our sins, and adding our good deeds up in the clouds type of god, but God, which is infinite, and everywhere, and some call it the source, or force, or as I relate Father God is a Divine force of unconditional love, hence the Loving Universe. I knew there was something better than me, and that I was better than this person I had become, and I didn’t like her. Now I have been sober 5 years, almost, and I thank God every day for my blessings. I have a wonderful family, and an amazing Mother, who despite my flaws, loves me. Battling my anxiety was the worst thing I could possibly go through, and I am so glad I did, because now with the spiritual truths and the Law of Attraction I realize, love and gratitude can move mountains, and make Jesus walk on water, because faith or whatever you want to call it makes it real. I am such a strong person, and I am proud of my battle scars, and now I forgive myself for being lost for a certain length of time. Now is the time, to move on, and that is all we can do, look back, count your blessings, and make the most of what you learned through each trial and tribulation. 










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